why disappointment is the best way to get over someone 

you need something to help you get over someone? disappointment is what you’re looking for.

Nothing gets you over someone like them letting you down. it will push you away from them more than anything else could. there’s nothing like seeing the person you once cared for acting in a bad way or doing something that turns you against them and see them in no longer that positive and infatuated way you once used to. 

Disappointment will make you realise that they weren’t what you thought, what you wanted or needed, weren’t whatever you are thinking. It will make you realise that you don’t  need them, and that is an incredibly empowering emotion to feel. It will make you realise that you are better off without them and whatever they put you through, and you will be able to look back at it and say ‘thank god that’s over!’ 

I’m not saying that it’s a good feeling to go through, but it will help you see past that person and stop seeing a possibility of a future with them, no matter what that future might have been. in no ways am I saying that what I’ve been through recently was a big enough a factor in my life to be seen as my future, but I saw a lot in someone and they made me happy in more then one way which was really nice to feel after such a bad time recently. I tried, I really tried to keep it going, whatever ‘it’ was I’m still unsure. All I know is that it’s over now, and I’m not exactly upset that its over but the way things rapidly fell apart disappointed me, and that was enough for me to no longer want anything from you and so make me happily say that I am over it. Over our situation, over my feelings towards you. I am happy it happened, I still have positive feelings towards you but it just made me no longer think backwards towards you. 
It’s a new day, a new me as cliche as it sounds. And I’m ready to get another part of my life started. 

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why jealousy is the worst thing on this world

jealousy, can make even the purest people in the world impure. it clouds your vision and impairs your beliefs that you once held so strongly. it convinces you that you don’t have enough, when you have by far more then you could ever need and more than a lot of people in the world have.

don’t get me wrong, i appreciate my life so much. we all do, but that doesn’t mean that sometimes we don’t appreciate it enough. until you have everything taken away from you and left with nothing, i don’t think any of us would realise what it would be like to have absolutely nothing. we take for granted the roofs over our heads, the fact that we all carry thousand dollar phones in our hands as if its a basic staple to our lives, ordering an indulgent dessert doesn’t seem to cross our minds as being a delicacy. If we go shopping and see something we want but can’t buy, we instantly hate our lives and get shunned down by the fact that you don’t have yet another materialist item to sit in your room when you use one of the other tens of these items.

jealousy and envy make us into monsters. we see what someone else’s life is like and we grow an anger towards them due to the fact that they have it better than us. society has brought us up with the idea that you need this, you need to look like this, do this. have a job, a car, a nice house, a lover, the ability to travel, a good family. the list goes on and on. and as soon as you don’t check another item off the list you feel as if you’ve failed. but failed what?! the constant pressure of being good enough for people who might not even think of you? we all try to impress people we don’t really need to impress, the ‘it’ people of society. when in reality all you need to impress is yourself.

we are all criminals trapped in the cage of envy. we allow ourselves to grow negative at what we don’t have rather then what we do have. as a teenager i feel so much pressure to be ‘enough’. to look good enough, to dress well enough, to do well enough. but who gets to decide what ‘enough’ is, apart from me? we make standards for ourselves that aren’t even based on our own goals but what we think society wants. i constantly see girls my age who look better and have better lives and i feel a certain anger towards them which i shouldn’t because i deserve to be happy with what i have and not what others have. it is a great irony that what we want most is what others have.

i need to learn to be grateful of what i have, and learn to be happy for others when they come into good fortune instead of being covetous.

revelation

recently i threw away everything, at least it was everything to me at that point. i had someone who loved me unconditionally and me for them too. i had a life which seemed perfect and i had it all sorted out. i dreamt of ‘forever’, ‘the one’. then one day i had an impulse to end it all. i’m still not sure if that was the right thing for me to do. every relationship has its ups and downs, i had a fair share of both.

i have to be honest with myself. i need to admit that i suffer from depression, anxiety and paranoia. because these are the main reasons why i ended everything i once thought i wanted. i was anxious of my future, if it was really what i wanted. i was paranoid of others, of myself. and i was depressed, which lead me to feel things which were irrational to myself.

now that its over, i tried at first to convince myself that it was what i wanted. and i was doing really fucking well. i thought of things to make myself hate you, things that pissed me off – and now that we aren’t in love they are enough to make me not want you. when we were together, i pushed aside issues i had with you in order to make myself happy. to make our relationship happy. right now, i’m stuck between remembering our relationship in a positive or negative way. because i was happy, but at the same time i was so sad and there were so many things i wanted to change but pushed aside to try to be content with what i had.

i have been looking at those things i wanted to change when we were together, to make me not miss you and be happy with the choice i made. to others, i say that i ended things with you because i “wasn’t ready to be in a relationship” and that “i didn’t want to commit myself to anyone”. when in reality theres so much more behind it, and i’m still trying to understand it myself. you were brilliant towards me. i read back things i used to post, and i see myself and what i wrote about how you were the “one”. i can’t see that as much now, but i remember being in love with you. and recently its been so much harder to not have that. i don’t know if i want you back, i don’t think i do, i don’t know if thats even an option. but at times i do regret pushing you away.

its a secret to you, that when we were dating i would often think that i didn’t want to be in a relationship. i’m unsure if that was reality or my second opinion harvested from depression and anxiety. i’m still unsure on what i ever was truly thinking with you. i have a second me, a part of me i don’t control but controls me.

and now, as confused as i am trying to understand where i stand on loving and leaving you. i’m perplexed by the slight idea of having someone new. not loving, but having feelings for. i didn’t want to have any, i didn’t want to have someone who i would have to care about. i’m not ready to be someones nothing after being someone’s everything. it’s intolerable to not be someone who he thinks about every moment and messages telling me everything he’s thinking. its too early for me to start with someone, and we haven’t. i keep on trying to remind myself that we aren’t anything, i’m trying to slow down and realise that it’s okay to just be friends who talk and spend time together, without it having to escalate to a full blown relationship. because i’m not used to not having every part of someone. i really like having someone there, but its hard for me not to spill eveyrthing to him, my every day thoughts and emotions as i did to you. because he isn’t you, and you aren’t him. i dont want either of those, but i’m still trying to understand how to act around other people, in a way which isn’t how i acted with you. because you are no longer my everything, and the sooner i realise that and let you go completely, the sooner i can move on and be happy.

a little something to do with love.

I wrote this to my lover and thought to share. I think love is the most powerful thing in the world. It draws together two people, two people who have dreamt of finding someone; “the” someone. And when they do it’s better then they could ever imagine. Right now that’s what I’m experiencing and I would never give it up.

“I seriously miss you jack. It’s not what I’ve ever experienced before. It’s not missing as much as it’s a craving and a routine. A part of me. A massive part of me, is you. Without you I have this whole space to be filled and it just doesn’t feel right without you. I don’t think it ever would. You make me happier then I could ever imagine, you make me laugh like I never knew was possible. And you’ve made me love more than I knew was physically and emotionally possible. You bring the best and the worst out of me but it’s okay for me to be at my worst because I know you’re still going to be there stroking my hair and it’s always going to be more than okay, and I hope you know that it’s the same for you. Jack, I say this with the most sureness I have ever established, you’re the one. The perfect man for me, you’re my sunshine, you’re my rainy days filled with comfort and slow warm joy. You’re the person I would change my life for, you’re it jack. And it’s going to be like that forever.”

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t’aidera

there are ways of living; sitting and not controlling what you do, sitting and controlling every aspect, enjoying and keeping a brief grasp on your life and enjoying with no cares of how it’s going to lead.

I must admit I’ve been quite reckless, I’ve not been paying attention to how my life is going to turn out. not thinking hard enough or preparing hard enough for university. Not continuing with these hobbies and passions I have of writing and art with the vitality. I’ve become quite, unmotivated you could say.

And that’s the roller coaster of life. Us people, the eccentric and forever evolving people, flow through currents that range between cruelty and tranquility. It’s our job to learn how to push our selves when we feel the lowest of the low, and to not over pride ourselves in a moment of greatness.

I have recently fallen in love with a French proverb:
aide toi le ciel t’aidera
It’s literal translation meaning, “help yourself, and heaven will help you”. Although I am not religious, this proverb has stuck with me for many reasons. I read another translation which went along the lines of: those who help themselves in bad situations will be rewarded. I cannot try to explain how important I think this is, that in the darkest and deepest moments of your life, it will never get better until you help yourself.

those who are upset and down are not weak, remember that.

amber.

the best birthday for the best mother

after everything mothers do, they truly deserve to be spoilt rotten on their birthday! and really, every day of the year! i think as a teenage girl I often forget the purity of my mother and the never endless love and devotion she has to not only her two daughters but the rest of her family, blood or marriage, and all the friends and people she knows. as children growing up we often take our parents for granted and forget that like us they are getting older each day, and one day it’s going to have to be us taking care of them rather then them taking care of us.

it was my mothers birthday this weekend, and so I tried to do whatever I could to make her happy! I baked her her favourite cake, although rushed as she came home earlier than expected so it didn’t turn out as perfect as I hoped! I bought her a present she’d been wanting for ages and also wrote her a letter that brought her (and me) to tears!

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we then headed to the W-hotel for quite a lovely afternoon tea! With a bunch of close friends and family I know my mum celebrated well and happily! Personally I found the food really luxurious but maybe overdone for fanciness and maybe not so great as for a buffet! The selection was limited, although all crafted to high standards and characteristics! i must say the dessert selection was really quite spectacular! Below are some photos of the glitter dusted macaroons which glimmered as if they had a holographic sheen!

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I truly hoped my mum enjoyed her special day, she deserves it so much and I’m going to try harder to treat her well on more occasions!

Amber xx>

to the kids who don’t know what to do

there’s this common prestige for those children who know what they are going to do from the age of crazy. when they know, or think they know, what they are going to become or pursue – and do this. they spend their whole lives working up to this and never fathom doing anything else but what their whole life has been about.

personally, i don’t agree with this. im sorry if you do, I’m not trying to insult you or say it’s wrong, i just don’t believe in your life being so about one thing, one job or one passion. and so I write to the kids, the kids who know nothing (like me) about their futures and what they want to do. and let me make one thing clear;

you are not a failure. you are not a disappointment.

theres so much social negativity out upon young people who don’t have a clear mindset of what to do or where to go. that they feel as if they are disappointment or failures, just because they haven’t decided what to do for the rest of their life from the mere age of SEVENTEEN.

i recently finished high school, and in the last two years it was all about applying to universities and choosing what occupation to pursue. out of about 150-180 students, I was one of the group of about 5 who decided to take a gap year. because i think it’s completely impossible to be able to make the one decision which practically chooses what you’re going to do in your life. nowadays its hard to get to the top without a proper degree as education is so highly looked upon. and you can’t go to university for your whole life, many people get one maybe two shots at it and have the ability to change courses or do another course when you’re older. but for the most part, people choose their ‘course’ at the age of a teen and have to stick by this for their whole life. and i’m calling bullshit.

personally, i have no idea what to do in uni. i have 3 ideas running through my mind, but how can i choose what to study when all i’ve studied before is what is manufactured for me into a syllabus to cover ‘everything you need to know’. in school we learnt what needs to be, do what has to be done, and say what has been set for us to say. its a stimulated game of doing what was given to us and trying to succeed with higher than perfect marks. and once we do everything they have told us to do, we have to choose suddenly what to do in life – after having no experience apart from the ‘maths’ ‘arts’ and all those other basic subjects “schools” find so intriguing.

and when someone doesn’t know exactly what they want to do they are shunned by society because they aren’t in control or they aren’t mature. and this isn’t fair. it isn’t fair that we are supposed to make a choice at the age of seventeen that could effect the next seventy years of our life.

and so to those kids who don’t know where or what to do, just take a breather. life isn’t over when you finish school. its just starting. so instead of trying to rush it, take a break and enjoy what is given to you. one day you will be able to make the right choice, and when it comes you will feel so much better.

 

amber, xx.