why disappointment is the best way to get over someone 

you need something to help you get over someone? disappointment is what you’re looking for.

Nothing gets you over someone like them letting you down. it will push you away from them more than anything else could. there’s nothing like seeing the person you once cared for acting in a bad way or doing something that turns you against them and see them in no longer that positive and infatuated way you once used to. 

Disappointment will make you realise that they weren’t what you thought, what you wanted or needed, weren’t whatever you are thinking. It will make you realise that you don’t  need them, and that is an incredibly empowering emotion to feel. It will make you realise that you are better off without them and whatever they put you through, and you will be able to look back at it and say ‘thank god that’s over!’ 

I’m not saying that it’s a good feeling to go through, but it will help you see past that person and stop seeing a possibility of a future with them, no matter what that future might have been. in no ways am I saying that what I’ve been through recently was a big enough a factor in my life to be seen as my future, but I saw a lot in someone and they made me happy in more then one way which was really nice to feel after such a bad time recently. I tried, I really tried to keep it going, whatever ‘it’ was I’m still unsure. All I know is that it’s over now, and I’m not exactly upset that its over but the way things rapidly fell apart disappointed me, and that was enough for me to no longer want anything from you and so make me happily say that I am over it. Over our situation, over my feelings towards you. I am happy it happened, I still have positive feelings towards you but it just made me no longer think backwards towards you. 
It’s a new day, a new me as cliche as it sounds. And I’m ready to get another part of my life started. 

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why jealousy is the worst thing on this world

jealousy, can make even the purest people in the world impure. it clouds your vision and impairs your beliefs that you once held so strongly. it convinces you that you don’t have enough, when you have by far more then you could ever need and more than a lot of people in the world have.

don’t get me wrong, i appreciate my life so much. we all do, but that doesn’t mean that sometimes we don’t appreciate it enough. until you have everything taken away from you and left with nothing, i don’t think any of us would realise what it would be like to have absolutely nothing. we take for granted the roofs over our heads, the fact that we all carry thousand dollar phones in our hands as if its a basic staple to our lives, ordering an indulgent dessert doesn’t seem to cross our minds as being a delicacy. If we go shopping and see something we want but can’t buy, we instantly hate our lives and get shunned down by the fact that you don’t have yet another materialist item to sit in your room when you use one of the other tens of these items.

jealousy and envy make us into monsters. we see what someone else’s life is like and we grow an anger towards them due to the fact that they have it better than us. society has brought us up with the idea that you need this, you need to look like this, do this. have a job, a car, a nice house, a lover, the ability to travel, a good family. the list goes on and on. and as soon as you don’t check another item off the list you feel as if you’ve failed. but failed what?! the constant pressure of being good enough for people who might not even think of you? we all try to impress people we don’t really need to impress, the ‘it’ people of society. when in reality all you need to impress is yourself.

we are all criminals trapped in the cage of envy. we allow ourselves to grow negative at what we don’t have rather then what we do have. as a teenager i feel so much pressure to be ‘enough’. to look good enough, to dress well enough, to do well enough. but who gets to decide what ‘enough’ is, apart from me? we make standards for ourselves that aren’t even based on our own goals but what we think society wants. i constantly see girls my age who look better and have better lives and i feel a certain anger towards them which i shouldn’t because i deserve to be happy with what i have and not what others have. it is a great irony that what we want most is what others have.

i need to learn to be grateful of what i have, and learn to be happy for others when they come into good fortune instead of being covetous.

revelation

recently i threw away everything, at least it was everything to me at that point. i had someone who loved me unconditionally and me for them too. i had a life which seemed perfect and i had it all sorted out. i dreamt of ‘forever’, ‘the one’. then one day i had an impulse to end it all. i’m still not sure if that was the right thing for me to do. every relationship has its ups and downs, i had a fair share of both.

i have to be honest with myself. i need to admit that i suffer from depression, anxiety and paranoia. because these are the main reasons why i ended everything i once thought i wanted. i was anxious of my future, if it was really what i wanted. i was paranoid of others, of myself. and i was depressed, which lead me to feel things which were irrational to myself.

now that its over, i tried at first to convince myself that it was what i wanted. and i was doing really fucking well. i thought of things to make myself hate you, things that pissed me off – and now that we aren’t in love they are enough to make me not want you. when we were together, i pushed aside issues i had with you in order to make myself happy. to make our relationship happy. right now, i’m stuck between remembering our relationship in a positive or negative way. because i was happy, but at the same time i was so sad and there were so many things i wanted to change but pushed aside to try to be content with what i had.

i have been looking at those things i wanted to change when we were together, to make me not miss you and be happy with the choice i made. to others, i say that i ended things with you because i “wasn’t ready to be in a relationship” and that “i didn’t want to commit myself to anyone”. when in reality theres so much more behind it, and i’m still trying to understand it myself. you were brilliant towards me. i read back things i used to post, and i see myself and what i wrote about how you were the “one”. i can’t see that as much now, but i remember being in love with you. and recently its been so much harder to not have that. i don’t know if i want you back, i don’t think i do, i don’t know if thats even an option. but at times i do regret pushing you away.

its a secret to you, that when we were dating i would often think that i didn’t want to be in a relationship. i’m unsure if that was reality or my second opinion harvested from depression and anxiety. i’m still unsure on what i ever was truly thinking with you. i have a second me, a part of me i don’t control but controls me.

and now, as confused as i am trying to understand where i stand on loving and leaving you. i’m perplexed by the slight idea of having someone new. not loving, but having feelings for. i didn’t want to have any, i didn’t want to have someone who i would have to care about. i’m not ready to be someones nothing after being someone’s everything. it’s intolerable to not be someone who he thinks about every moment and messages telling me everything he’s thinking. its too early for me to start with someone, and we haven’t. i keep on trying to remind myself that we aren’t anything, i’m trying to slow down and realise that it’s okay to just be friends who talk and spend time together, without it having to escalate to a full blown relationship. because i’m not used to not having every part of someone. i really like having someone there, but its hard for me not to spill eveyrthing to him, my every day thoughts and emotions as i did to you. because he isn’t you, and you aren’t him. i dont want either of those, but i’m still trying to understand how to act around other people, in a way which isn’t how i acted with you. because you are no longer my everything, and the sooner i realise that and let you go completely, the sooner i can move on and be happy.

growing up fatherless

a common misconception, that having no father is because your biological father has passed away, or you never met him, and the many other stories you may hear. but my story, is growing up with a man i call my father yet not valuing him as a father. in no way do i think what i have is worse then anything that anyone else is experiencing, i know i could have it much worse. but it is a trouble that i have faced since i was a child and have been facing till now – and as i grow older, part of me forgets while part of me starts to despise him more and more. recently its put a lot of burden on me, and i hoped trying to explain it would help myself, and possibly others understand.

lets take a trip down memory lane. it wasn’t always bad memories, there are moments i remember of happiness, if its imagination from photos i’ve seen, or stories i’ve been told. things i actually remember. my dad wasn’t always bad, no one is perfect, but he had his issues. not washing my hands as soon as i got home. not finishing my food that i ordered. not speaking chinese even though i’m half chinese and living in hong kong. simple things, that wouldn’t anger others. i constantly felt as if i could never please him. mr. lai and his set bar of perfection and cleanliness. any of these which i didn’t meet to his specification would be met with disappointment, angered tones and at time violent actions.

my parents divorced in the year between primary in secondary school, a mere age of what.. eleven? but the split was centuries before that, or so it seems. i don’t know if my father disappointed and disappoints me more now or of what i remember of him when i valued him as my father. i still call him dad, but there was a moment, a day when i promised myself he was no longer a father to me. i don’t remember what age i was when i thought to myself ‘i won’t let this man walk me down the aisle’. some might think that i’m exaggerating, my sister for sure, my mother a little, and my friends don’t even seem to care that i have ‘daddy issues’.

he isn’t proud of me. he wasn’t proud of me when i got way better grades then i could ever imagine, he wasn’t proud of me when i got my first job because he told me i wasn’t mature enough to do it, or got into university. he wasn’t there to hold my hand as i had heartbreaks, or had tummy aches, or needed a father to tell me that one day i would find someone who would love me as much as he did. he did nothing for me. he doesn’t support my family, my life, my dreams. he does for himself what he wants before putting his own two children or previous wife in front of anything else. he dates women who aren’t even double my age, and would rather spend time and money on them then funding ANYTHING of my life. to me, he’s always busy, he doesn’t call to check up. to society he’s a great friend, always going out for dinners, participating in sports. yes, he has just as much as a right to be a person as well as a father, he is allowed to go and have fun. but not when it means that i’m not as much as an element for him to care about.

my father never abused me. at times he hurt me, out of anger or emotion. i was young and believed that he loved me, and i did nothing to stop it. now, its a slightly different story. my family see me as weak because whenever he changes his tone to anything between aggravated, blameful or disappointed i completely blow up. i get anxious, scared, angry at most. that he could dare say anything to me in a negative way when i am an 18 year old, his own daughter who is just starting her life out. and all he ever has to say to me is cynical, i will not stand for it. i will not allow myself to feel disappointed or angry at myself, i will not let him treat me in any way other then reassuringly. he tells me he loves me, and that he cares for me, that he misses me. i do not believe him. if he did he would TRY to make things better, to understand when i tell him that i do not like what he’s saying, that he’s mean and his tone scares me.

i grew up asking him to quit smoking, yet every puff of a cigarette blew away my cares for him. i grew up being scared of him waking up, yet waiting for him to wake up so i could start my day and get something to eat. i grew up trying to please him when my efforts would only irritate him. i’ve grown up, and now before i see him i feel sick to my stomach. anticipating what it will be like, moments of silence before comments of annoyance or disproval. i get most anxious before seeing my own father.

 

i will call him my father, but he lost my respect as a father years ago.

a little something to do with love.

I wrote this to my lover and thought to share. I think love is the most powerful thing in the world. It draws together two people, two people who have dreamt of finding someone; “the” someone. And when they do it’s better then they could ever imagine. Right now that’s what I’m experiencing and I would never give it up.

“I seriously miss you jack. It’s not what I’ve ever experienced before. It’s not missing as much as it’s a craving and a routine. A part of me. A massive part of me, is you. Without you I have this whole space to be filled and it just doesn’t feel right without you. I don’t think it ever would. You make me happier then I could ever imagine, you make me laugh like I never knew was possible. And you’ve made me love more than I knew was physically and emotionally possible. You bring the best and the worst out of me but it’s okay for me to be at my worst because I know you’re still going to be there stroking my hair and it’s always going to be more than okay, and I hope you know that it’s the same for you. Jack, I say this with the most sureness I have ever established, you’re the one. The perfect man for me, you’re my sunshine, you’re my rainy days filled with comfort and slow warm joy. You’re the person I would change my life for, you’re it jack. And it’s going to be like that forever.”

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t’aidera

there are ways of living; sitting and not controlling what you do, sitting and controlling every aspect, enjoying and keeping a brief grasp on your life and enjoying with no cares of how it’s going to lead.

I must admit I’ve been quite reckless, I’ve not been paying attention to how my life is going to turn out. not thinking hard enough or preparing hard enough for university. Not continuing with these hobbies and passions I have of writing and art with the vitality. I’ve become quite, unmotivated you could say.

And that’s the roller coaster of life. Us people, the eccentric and forever evolving people, flow through currents that range between cruelty and tranquility. It’s our job to learn how to push our selves when we feel the lowest of the low, and to not over pride ourselves in a moment of greatness.

I have recently fallen in love with a French proverb:
aide toi le ciel t’aidera
It’s literal translation meaning, “help yourself, and heaven will help you”. Although I am not religious, this proverb has stuck with me for many reasons. I read another translation which went along the lines of: those who help themselves in bad situations will be rewarded. I cannot try to explain how important I think this is, that in the darkest and deepest moments of your life, it will never get better until you help yourself.

those who are upset and down are not weak, remember that.

amber.

the best birthday for the best mother

after everything mothers do, they truly deserve to be spoilt rotten on their birthday! and really, every day of the year! i think as a teenage girl I often forget the purity of my mother and the never endless love and devotion she has to not only her two daughters but the rest of her family, blood or marriage, and all the friends and people she knows. as children growing up we often take our parents for granted and forget that like us they are getting older each day, and one day it’s going to have to be us taking care of them rather then them taking care of us.

it was my mothers birthday this weekend, and so I tried to do whatever I could to make her happy! I baked her her favourite cake, although rushed as she came home earlier than expected so it didn’t turn out as perfect as I hoped! I bought her a present she’d been wanting for ages and also wrote her a letter that brought her (and me) to tears!

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we then headed to the W-hotel for quite a lovely afternoon tea! With a bunch of close friends and family I know my mum celebrated well and happily! Personally I found the food really luxurious but maybe overdone for fanciness and maybe not so great as for a buffet! The selection was limited, although all crafted to high standards and characteristics! i must say the dessert selection was really quite spectacular! Below are some photos of the glitter dusted macaroons which glimmered as if they had a holographic sheen!

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I truly hoped my mum enjoyed her special day, she deserves it so much and I’m going to try harder to treat her well on more occasions!

Amber xx>