revelation

recently i threw away everything, at least it was everything to me at that point. i had someone who loved me unconditionally and me for them too. i had a life which seemed perfect and i had it all sorted out. i dreamt of ‘forever’, ‘the one’. then one day i had an impulse to end it all. i’m still not sure if that was the right thing for me to do. every relationship has its ups and downs, i had a fair share of both.

i have to be honest with myself. i need to admit that i suffer from depression, anxiety and paranoia. because these are the main reasons why i ended everything i once thought i wanted. i was anxious of my future, if it was really what i wanted. i was paranoid of others, of myself. and i was depressed, which lead me to feel things which were irrational to myself.

now that its over, i tried at first to convince myself that it was what i wanted. and i was doing really fucking well. i thought of things to make myself hate you, things that pissed me off – and now that we aren’t in love they are enough to make me not want you. when we were together, i pushed aside issues i had with you in order to make myself happy. to make our relationship happy. right now, i’m stuck between remembering our relationship in a positive or negative way. because i was happy, but at the same time i was so sad and there were so many things i wanted to change but pushed aside to try to be content with what i had.

i have been looking at those things i wanted to change when we were together, to make me not miss you and be happy with the choice i made. to others, i say that i ended things with you because i “wasn’t ready to be in a relationship” and that “i didn’t want to commit myself to anyone”. when in reality theres so much more behind it, and i’m still trying to understand it myself. you were brilliant towards me. i read back things i used to post, and i see myself and what i wrote about how you were the “one”. i can’t see that as much now, but i remember being in love with you. and recently its been so much harder to not have that. i don’t know if i want you back, i don’t think i do, i don’t know if thats even an option. but at times i do regret pushing you away.

its a secret to you, that when we were dating i would often think that i didn’t want to be in a relationship. i’m unsure if that was reality or my second opinion harvested from depression and anxiety. i’m still unsure on what i ever was truly thinking with you. i have a second me, a part of me i don’t control but controls me.

and now, as confused as i am trying to understand where i stand on loving and leaving you. i’m perplexed by the slight idea of having someone new. not loving, but having feelings for. i didn’t want to have any, i didn’t want to have someone who i would have to care about. i’m not ready to be someones nothing after being someone’s everything. it’s intolerable to not be someone who he thinks about every moment and messages telling me everything he’s thinking. its too early for me to start with someone, and we haven’t. i keep on trying to remind myself that we aren’t anything, i’m trying to slow down and realise that it’s okay to just be friends who talk and spend time together, without it having to escalate to a full blown relationship. because i’m not used to not having every part of someone. i really like having someone there, but its hard for me not to spill eveyrthing to him, my every day thoughts and emotions as i did to you. because he isn’t you, and you aren’t him. i dont want either of those, but i’m still trying to understand how to act around other people, in a way which isn’t how i acted with you. because you are no longer my everything, and the sooner i realise that and let you go completely, the sooner i can move on and be happy.