revelation

recently i threw away everything, at least it was everything to me at that point. i had someone who loved me unconditionally and me for them too. i had a life which seemed perfect and i had it all sorted out. i dreamt of ‘forever’, ‘the one’. then one day i had an impulse to end it all. i’m still not sure if that was the right thing for me to do. every relationship has its ups and downs, i had a fair share of both.

i have to be honest with myself. i need to admit that i suffer from depression, anxiety and paranoia. because these are the main reasons why i ended everything i once thought i wanted. i was anxious of my future, if it was really what i wanted. i was paranoid of others, of myself. and i was depressed, which lead me to feel things which were irrational to myself.

now that its over, i tried at first to convince myself that it was what i wanted. and i was doing really fucking well. i thought of things to make myself hate you, things that pissed me off – and now that we aren’t in love they are enough to make me not want you. when we were together, i pushed aside issues i had with you in order to make myself happy. to make our relationship happy. right now, i’m stuck between remembering our relationship in a positive or negative way. because i was happy, but at the same time i was so sad and there were so many things i wanted to change but pushed aside to try to be content with what i had.

i have been looking at those things i wanted to change when we were together, to make me not miss you and be happy with the choice i made. to others, i say that i ended things with you because i “wasn’t ready to be in a relationship” and that “i didn’t want to commit myself to anyone”. when in reality theres so much more behind it, and i’m still trying to understand it myself. you were brilliant towards me. i read back things i used to post, and i see myself and what i wrote about how you were the “one”. i can’t see that as much now, but i remember being in love with you. and recently its been so much harder to not have that. i don’t know if i want you back, i don’t think i do, i don’t know if thats even an option. but at times i do regret pushing you away.

its a secret to you, that when we were dating i would often think that i didn’t want to be in a relationship. i’m unsure if that was reality or my second opinion harvested from depression and anxiety. i’m still unsure on what i ever was truly thinking with you. i have a second me, a part of me i don’t control but controls me.

and now, as confused as i am trying to understand where i stand on loving and leaving you. i’m perplexed by the slight idea of having someone new. not loving, but having feelings for. i didn’t want to have any, i didn’t want to have someone who i would have to care about. i’m not ready to be someones nothing after being someone’s everything. it’s intolerable to not be someone who he thinks about every moment and messages telling me everything he’s thinking. its too early for me to start with someone, and we haven’t. i keep on trying to remind myself that we aren’t anything, i’m trying to slow down and realise that it’s okay to just be friends who talk and spend time together, without it having to escalate to a full blown relationship. because i’m not used to not having every part of someone. i really like having someone there, but its hard for me not to spill eveyrthing to him, my every day thoughts and emotions as i did to you. because he isn’t you, and you aren’t him. i dont want either of those, but i’m still trying to understand how to act around other people, in a way which isn’t how i acted with you. because you are no longer my everything, and the sooner i realise that and let you go completely, the sooner i can move on and be happy.

a little something to do with love.

I wrote this to my lover and thought to share. I think love is the most powerful thing in the world. It draws together two people, two people who have dreamt of finding someone; “the” someone. And when they do it’s better then they could ever imagine. Right now that’s what I’m experiencing and I would never give it up.

“I seriously miss you jack. It’s not what I’ve ever experienced before. It’s not missing as much as it’s a craving and a routine. A part of me. A massive part of me, is you. Without you I have this whole space to be filled and it just doesn’t feel right without you. I don’t think it ever would. You make me happier then I could ever imagine, you make me laugh like I never knew was possible. And you’ve made me love more than I knew was physically and emotionally possible. You bring the best and the worst out of me but it’s okay for me to be at my worst because I know you’re still going to be there stroking my hair and it’s always going to be more than okay, and I hope you know that it’s the same for you. Jack, I say this with the most sureness I have ever established, you’re the one. The perfect man for me, you’re my sunshine, you’re my rainy days filled with comfort and slow warm joy. You’re the person I would change my life for, you’re it jack. And it’s going to be like that forever.”

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t’aidera

there are ways of living; sitting and not controlling what you do, sitting and controlling every aspect, enjoying and keeping a brief grasp on your life and enjoying with no cares of how it’s going to lead.

I must admit I’ve been quite reckless, I’ve not been paying attention to how my life is going to turn out. not thinking hard enough or preparing hard enough for university. Not continuing with these hobbies and passions I have of writing and art with the vitality. I’ve become quite, unmotivated you could say.

And that’s the roller coaster of life. Us people, the eccentric and forever evolving people, flow through currents that range between cruelty and tranquility. It’s our job to learn how to push our selves when we feel the lowest of the low, and to not over pride ourselves in a moment of greatness.

I have recently fallen in love with a French proverb:
aide toi le ciel t’aidera
It’s literal translation meaning, “help yourself, and heaven will help you”. Although I am not religious, this proverb has stuck with me for many reasons. I read another translation which went along the lines of: those who help themselves in bad situations will be rewarded. I cannot try to explain how important I think this is, that in the darkest and deepest moments of your life, it will never get better until you help yourself.

those who are upset and down are not weak, remember that.

amber.

to the kids who don’t know what to do

there’s this common prestige for those children who know what they are going to do from the age of crazy. when they know, or think they know, what they are going to become or pursue – and do this. they spend their whole lives working up to this and never fathom doing anything else but what their whole life has been about.

personally, i don’t agree with this. im sorry if you do, I’m not trying to insult you or say it’s wrong, i just don’t believe in your life being so about one thing, one job or one passion. and so I write to the kids, the kids who know nothing (like me) about their futures and what they want to do. and let me make one thing clear;

you are not a failure. you are not a disappointment.

theres so much social negativity out upon young people who don’t have a clear mindset of what to do or where to go. that they feel as if they are disappointment or failures, just because they haven’t decided what to do for the rest of their life from the mere age of SEVENTEEN.

i recently finished high school, and in the last two years it was all about applying to universities and choosing what occupation to pursue. out of about 150-180 students, I was one of the group of about 5 who decided to take a gap year. because i think it’s completely impossible to be able to make the one decision which practically chooses what you’re going to do in your life. nowadays its hard to get to the top without a proper degree as education is so highly looked upon. and you can’t go to university for your whole life, many people get one maybe two shots at it and have the ability to change courses or do another course when you’re older. but for the most part, people choose their ‘course’ at the age of a teen and have to stick by this for their whole life. and i’m calling bullshit.

personally, i have no idea what to do in uni. i have 3 ideas running through my mind, but how can i choose what to study when all i’ve studied before is what is manufactured for me into a syllabus to cover ‘everything you need to know’. in school we learnt what needs to be, do what has to be done, and say what has been set for us to say. its a stimulated game of doing what was given to us and trying to succeed with higher than perfect marks. and once we do everything they have told us to do, we have to choose suddenly what to do in life – after having no experience apart from the ‘maths’ ‘arts’ and all those other basic subjects “schools” find so intriguing.

and when someone doesn’t know exactly what they want to do they are shunned by society because they aren’t in control or they aren’t mature. and this isn’t fair. it isn’t fair that we are supposed to make a choice at the age of seventeen that could effect the next seventy years of our life.

and so to those kids who don’t know where or what to do, just take a breather. life isn’t over when you finish school. its just starting. so instead of trying to rush it, take a break and enjoy what is given to you. one day you will be able to make the right choice, and when it comes you will feel so much better.

 

amber, xx.

cheers to love

for my love – 

it’s a remarkable feeling; love.

the relaxed and yet ever breath taking journey of falling in love, while painful and extremely scary at times, is an experience which none others can compete with. because the harsh reality of love is: that when you open yourself up to someone, along with the fear and pain which you might encounter, you experience a perpetual happiness which you’ve never felt before. and its a beauty, an art. the art of finding someone so incredibly compatible to you that you swear by the fact that you’re soul mates. the reality of it though, is that once you fall in love, you could never imagine your life without it. and its a tug-o-war with your mind and your heart. whether you allow yourself to love someone, or whether you let the fear of losing it all win.

personally, the fear isn’t strong enough to ever make me stop falling in love with him every day. 

the ability to depend on someone, in a comfortable manner, is spectacular. because you trust them with yourself. you devote yourself to one person, hoping that they will hold you tightly in their own embrace and treasure you so highly in their soul and heart. without this close binding between two people, love wouldn’t be what it is. this “strong feeling of affection” is so much more than described as. its life changing. because when you love someone, you learn how to open yourself up for the better, how to love someone for their difficulties and insecurities, how to truly enjoy moments and make memories that will last lifetimes.

theres a certain privilege of being yours. being the one person you trust in so immensely, or want to spend time together. the privilege to be the person you love. it makes me want you to be proud of me and our love. when in love, you will constantly want to do more for the one you love. make them smile more, laugh more, enjoy more. whatever it is, you would do for them.

love, and the astounding emotions and feelings it brings to you. when you meet your other half, you can’t think of how your life would be without them, because without them it seems so much less than even just ordinary. it wouldn’t seem right. i’ve met someone, someone so perfect for me that if i ever lose them i’ll lose a part of myself because he brings out every good part of myself. i’m the best version of myself when you’re around. love makes you happy, it makes you appreciate what you have, and when you don’t have, you can depend on love to make it better. love is the sole reason for life. whether its through a lover, friends, family, passions and even hobbies. if you’re lucky enough to find something or someone you love enough to want to devote your being to make them happy and improve both your and their lives then thats an extraordinary thing.

and this is what you do for me, i love you dearly. 

my koh samui experience.

a true whirlwind; thats the only way i can explain my experience of grad tripping in koh samui. the small tropical island of the mainland of thailand, koh samui is known – rather infamously –  for its unsafeness, high levels of drugs and alcohol, high risk, continuous accidents, partying and crazy atmosphere. its where thousands go every month (especially during summer) to experience the full moon party and the nightlife of koh samui. and so naturally, its where i went to celebrate my high school graduation.

going to koh samui at a mere age of 17 and a small group of close friends from my own school was quite scary i must admit. we hear stories every year of rape, murders, accidents, aids and so much more happening on that crazy island. but we also hear stories of incredible times, memories that will never be forgotten, and friendships which become stronger. its truly a way to celebrate finishing school.

heading to ks i had no true idea of what to expect, i know from my sister of the cool atmosphere and how you can party and not need to really care at all! i was so excited to spend days lounging by the pool or sea and then go out and party! when i did go out, my was it a difference to hong kong! ks’ legal drinking age is 20. and its safe to say NO ONE cared about that at all, it pretty evident that the laws there aren’t really laws. in hong kong its really strict when we go out, we get forced into dressing well and looking our best (forced for society one could say). but in koh samui, you can rock up in a tank top, shorts and flip flops and still have an incredible time. and although i didn’t know what to expect, my holiday was EVERYTHING i did NOT expect (or want) to happen.

i ended up falling sick, it started from food poisoning (i think) and developed into a bacterial infection in my guts. even that doesn’t sound pleasant. but starting from my second night in koh samui, i started to get sick. having crazy painful cramps just before we went out caused my first night out to not be so great. and then being forcefully woken up by my turning stomach (at least it let me experience the crazy sunrise in the next photo) at an early 6am and continuously being sick until the later afternoon until finally i got charged into the emergency room of the thai international hospital. i ended up staying the night at the hospital and was discharged the next day, but i still felt so under the weather. unluckily for me, full moon (the biggest night out) was the night after i left the hospital. i truly hate that i got sick because for the next 3-5 days of being out of hospital i continually felt nauseous and pained and it really affected my holiday.

but i wasn’t going to let my sickness ruin everything, yes i had a few days and nights feeling like utter crap. but i managed to pick myself up and enjoy my short time there. we had a day when we went atv-ing, elephant riding, zip lining and went to a waterfall. that was truly amazing! and on my last full night i went out. and i mean, out out. i got to the main party area at around 12:30, and started dancing there and then! i didn’t stop until 5:30 – 6, after which i went to chaweng beach and watched the sunrise. along with a whole group of other hk people, that was the perfect way to end my holiday. being a party girl, i wanted to go to ks and party my ass off. i had around 4 nights of going out, which were incredibly fun don’t get me wrong, but i either felt sick or left early. and so, having one full on crazy night out led me to being so happy with how the trip turned out.

its quite a life lesson i learnt while being on my grad trip. there will always be things that you can’t control which will happen to you when you least want them, and no matter how much they ruin and upset things for you – you just have to be strong and accept the good for the good and the bad for the bad. being sick absolutely RUINED my holiday for me. and yet, looking back at it again now and writing about it – theres so many things i’m grateful for and had the most fun with. and so all in all, nothing truly was ruined. i just had some bad luck.

and so, until next time koh samui. you were fabulous.

amber xx.

my bikini verdict!

leaving to my graduation trip to the beautiful and crazy island of koh samui, I have began my packing for my 9 day trip of intense partying and extreme hangovers, at least I’ll be able to sleep them off by the pool!

The island of koh Samui is off Thailand and is known for its full moon party. In Asia it’s seen as the place to go for graduation trips, and as I’ve now graduated it’s kind of a ritual for me to be going, and so I’m off to board my 9:00 am flights with a suitcase packed with many bikinis and other beach and holiday essentials!

it seemed like the best thing to blog about before I left was my packing, and more importantly bikinis! Summer season is here (for some people), it brings: happiness, freedom, relaxation and heat! A swimsuit under your clothes is a perfect choice, you never know when you’ll want to let loose and go to the beach or pool. Although I’m only going to koh samui for 9 days, I’m bringing 10 swimsuits… Just because I’ll wear some during the day and then when I go out at night I’ll probably wear a bikini or two! I’ve split up my chosen bikinis into a few types, hope you enjoy!

1) The branded.
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The ‘branded’. While sometimes over rated, branded swimsuits like these above, the ‘triangl’ bikini, are normally worth the price. These bikinis cost me around 700 hkd each, it seemed a bit much at first but I love these bikinis. I’m not going to lie, there is some social satisfaction you get from wearing a branded bikini, but I guess that’s what you pay for. Especially triangl, the brand is well known through the teenagers (both male and female), and I must say every time I wear them I feel a bit more confident then when wearing others. These bikinis are made from neoprene (the same materials as wetsuits), they are of a great quality and fit onto your body well! They are thicker then most bikinis. The bikinis also come in matching coloured bags which i think are so cute! As you can see I got two, traditional triangl style in the light blue and then also the bra style, which has a bronze bottom, and oh my am I in LOVE with the bottoms!! They shine and sparkle and reflect upon every sunray, it’s gorgeous!

2) the triangle tie bikinis.

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The classic bikini really, two triangles and tied together with strings! I opted for two bright and interesting bikinis, for a party and summer holiday you don’t want anything plain! These two come from hnm and primark!

3) the bandeaus. >

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Bandeaus are the perfect bikinis to tan in. They allow for the most amount of skin to be exposed and don’t create wacky tan lines! I don’t advise them for walking around in because they have the least amount of support! without having neck straps they can fall off so easily! For bustier girls I wouldn’t wear many bandeaus, at least I don’t think so. They don’t compliment your body shape as much, they give no support and hide your assets! But they are the best for tanning in!

4) the full pieces!
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Here I have three full piece bikinis, like I said I’ll be going out a lot and this is a great choice! You can simply pull on a full piece and a pair of shorts, if you feel like that’s too little pull over a chiffon top, beach top, kimono, anything! They are comfy and give a lot of support!

So I hope you enjoyed, these are all the suits I’m bringing with me on holiday, I can assure you that I will be blogging LOTS about my trip so please stay stunned! It means a lot, and don’t forget, always have a little friend helping you pack! Here I have one of my dogs who snuggled up to me as I was folding everything in!

Amber.
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